Of course, I see “personality” not as a thing but as a constant, ongoing process. We are all being shaped and reshaped by our past, other people, our surroundings, circumstance, the world we live in, and so on. And yet, I want a word for what I am. I want an explanatory model. And I want it to come from outside of myself, because apparently I can never, ever trust myself to do things right on my own.
I used to hate mornings. When you don’t particularly like your life, having to get out of bed to live it tends not to be your favourite thing to do. Things are different these days – but not just because I enjoy my life. I also have a new routine: Every day I get up, make a cup of tea, light some candles and write my morning pages.
Every day for the past week I have come to a point where I’ve had to accept that I would not be able to do any more programming that day. Either because it was getting late or because my brain was fried. Every day I have, with great regret, closed down Visual Studio and Unity3D and tried my best to put my current task out of my head. Every day it has been nearly impossible. I have never been so in love with a job – and I’m not even getting paid for this one.
Sometimes, life just hits you with a brick.
I think most people have probably asked themselves “What is wrong with me?” at some point. It’s a loaded question with terribly complicated answers, and it’s not the one I’m going to answer in this post. I will, however, tell you how I believe I’m different.
Sometimes I want to do things but can’t. Instead of getting anything done I just sit there and stare and fret and feel terrible about myself. What is a lifelong prisoner of anxiety to do? It took a while, but I finally found a few tricks that work for me.